Scopophobia, The Roast, and Prizes Galore!

I despise crowds. Anything over twenty people is a crisis. When I was a small boy I found myself at the top of the St. Louis Arch during the VP Fair. Everyone who could, had taken refuge from a torrential downpour that broke out during the fair, and so did my family. We were packed like sardines; putrid, moist, filthy, drunken animals all pressed against me, in my territorial bubble. I could hardly breathe. I felt infected and buried alive by an avalanche of flesh. I’m also not into public speaking. In a former life, I had to do quite a bit of it. I can still feel their eyes, scanning facial ticks, taking inventory of my insecurities, and cataloging my ignorance. To me, those eyes saw beyond my poised façade, stripping me naked to the bone, revealing the scared little boy I’ve always been. I swore I would never put myself in that position again. It’s so serious, I’ve passed on several opportunities to promote my book. I’ve done a few Q&A’s for my films, but they were extremely awkward, and I always vomited afterwards. Not worth it to me. So, you can imagine that the absolute worst thing I could do is agree to speak in front of a large crowd during a charity event, with the intention of being comical. You might think me a masochist, or possibly a malformed lunatic. You’re 30% right. The additional 70% is far more horrifying: It all comes down to devoted friendship.

When my best friend Stephen J. Heffernan (Cannibal, Amphetamine) told me his birthday party was going to be a Roast and charity event for Cerebral Palsy, and would I speak, I really didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even consider my anxieties until later, after the speech was written, and I was feeling tremendously clever. I guess I kept imagining the event filled with chimpanzees and Heffernan laughing, laughing, laughing at our combined wit. Wolfgang plus chimps is a deadly amusing combo. I don’t know where that comes from. Whenever I picture myself speaking to crowds, it’s nothing but chimps, with the occasional spider monkey thrown in for diversity. With that said, if you plan on coming, it would mean a lot to me if you made a lot of nonsensical noises and hurled poop at me during my speech. Thanks.

Anyway, back to my point: I’m going against every natural impulse in the name of friendship. This is the kind of schmuck I really am. But hey, it’s for a good cause, right? You’re goddamn right it is! And not only that, there’s a shit ton of prizes and awesomeness to be won and bid on:

Moonrise Hotel – Suite for two

Millennium Hotel – Suite for two

Hampton Inn – Suite for two

Lemp Mansion – Suite for two

4 Cardinals tix in the Champions Club w/ food and drinks

Flamingo Bowl party for ten

Pageant concert vouchers

Feraro’s Pizza in Soulard – Private Monday Night party for ten with chef Jon Feraro

Artist/Photographer prints by Aunia Kahn, Bob Reuter, Melissa Schramm and two of mine.

50/50 Prizes

Feraro’s Pizza – $50, Llywelyn’s – $50, Flannery’s – $25, City Diner – $25, Hammerstones – $25, Tucker’s – $25, McGurk’s – $25, Joanie’s – $25, Johnny’s – $25, Mangia – $20, The Porch – $20

Phew! That was a lot to type. So, as you can see, those prizes are pretty amazing. And so is the entire event. The place is going to be overflowing with incredible people, artists, filmmakers, photographers, comedians, writers, musicians, and other assorted rabble. Even if you don’t know Stephen J. Heffernan, you’ll definitely have fun at his expense, get to mingle with some misfits, and make a difference in someone’s life all in the same night. I hope to see you there. Don’t hesitate to come up and say hello.

For more information on the Stephen J. Heffernan Roast to benefit Cerebral Palsy click here and join the event this Saturday at the Lemp Grand Hall!